Everyone Wants EQ Until It Sees Through Them

By now you know how much I dislike and fundamentally disagree with the term emotional intelligence. It doesn’t exist as a separate construct, and psychology has shown this repeatedly. What we call “emotional intelligence” is simply intelligence, nothing more, and it is strongly linked to the general intelligence factor, g and personality traits.

But for the sake of this article - and the argument - let’s use the term emotional intelligence. Apparently, these are the “ideal” leaders, and every good leader is supposed to be high in EQ. That claim is flawed in itself, but let’s not go there.

What I would like to discuss is that everyone wants an emotionally intelligent leader or even partner until they meet one.

Emotionally “intelligent” people - who are really just intelligent - are exceptionally good at reading others. They spot patterns and inconsistencies, see through corporate BS, sense the emotional temperature of a room, and notice avoidance, half-truths, and carefully rehearsed cover stories. They recognise the masks people wear at work, and they usually know when someone is lying long before it’s obvious to everyone else.

That ability, however, is value-neutral. It isn’t inherently kind, ethical, or pro-social. Intelligence is just a tool. And like any tool, it depends on how it’s used.

Highly intelligent people can take all this information and use it to influence and manipulate others - to steer conversations, apply pressure at the right moment, push the right emotional buttons, and get people to do what they want them to do. Not because they “care more,” but because they understand more. They know what motivates you, what scares you, what you’re trying to hide, and where your weak spots are - and they know exactly when to use that knowledge.

So let’s stop romanticising this as some moral high ground called “emotional intelligence.” It’s intelligence, full stop. And intelligence doesn’t make someone a good leader or a good person. It simply makes them more capable of whatever they choose to do with it.

People love the idea of EQ as long as it works in their favour, as long as it offers empathy, comfort, and validation of their feelings. As long as it soothes, reassures, and makes them feel seen, EQ is praised as enlightened leadership.

The moment that same “EQ” is used to challenge them, confront their inconsistencies, expose weak reasoning, or hold them accountable, the admiration disappears. Suddenly it’s “toxic,” “manipulative,” or “unsafe.” What people often want isn’t emotional intelligence at all, they want emotional indulgence.

EQ has been marketed as warmth without friction, empathy without consequences, and understanding without responsibility. But real intelligence - emotional or otherwise - doesn’t exist to protect egos. It notices patterns, names uncomfortable truths, and sometimes makes people feel deeply uneasy. And that’s precisely the part most people don’t sign up for when they say they value EQ.

EQ will call you out. It forces a level of honesty most people are deeply uncomfortable with. It doesn’t let bad behaviour slide, it doesn’t fall for manipulation, and it certainly doesn’t feed your ego. It doesn’t tiptoe around your feelings or your old wounds, it exposes them.

That’s the part conveniently left out of the EQ fantasy. Real emotional acuity doesn’t exist to make you feel good; it exists to make things visible. It sees through performative niceness, victim stories, and carefully curated professionalism. It names what others politely avoid.

Everyone says they want an emotionally intelligent leader. What they usually mean is a leader who makes them feel safe, validated, and unchallenged. But the moment that leader holds up a mirror - showing you the behaviour, motives, and patterns you’re desperate to keep hidden - the admiration turns into resistance.

EQ isn’t soft. It’s sharp. And most people don’t fear a lack of empathy, they fear being seen too clearly.

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Empathy - Kindness - Vulnerability - EQ | Corporate Buzzwords Employees and Leaders Struggle With